September was more like a roller coaster ride than just a month. It all started from a “secret” visit to the psychiatrist and ended up in bed somewhere between trying to get to sleep and trying to wake up, trying to do something but always ending up doing nothing. I missed out many classes, spent sleepless nights, cried just because I had nothing else left to do. I started up new blogs everyday but could never finish even one of them. Got myself into fights, quarrels, misunderstandings, formed new relationships, ruined some old ones.
It all started in the clinic. Sitting there explaining an unknown person why do I act like MYSELF. Really? Is this it? Now all I was left to do was to pour my heart out in front of someone whom I just met? I have to tell her things that I am still not able to accept myself?
No, I can’t do that. I can’t be among those who go to others to answer the same questions one should ask themselves. I can’t be the one who is dependent upon someone else just to stay happy, just to learn how to live all over again. No, I just cannot be that person. Not anymore.
That one hour session that felt like some mere minutes. And the topic of discussion? My life, my decisions, my family, the surroundings I have been brought up in. My every single strength and weakness. That’s when it hit me- this is what I have been doing my entire life. Questioning my every single step, my every single decision good and bad. I have spent nights judging myself, consoling myself, taking myself to the edge and bringing back a stronger person every single time. I don’t need anyone else to guide me, console me or teach me how I should live my life.
There is always an up for every down, a light after every dark, it will be fine, things will get better.
NOTHING WILL GET BETTER UNTIL AND UNLESS YOU WORK FOR IT. One should never cry for what their life have become because they were the only one who made things that way, they were the only one who made themselves believe that they are in a deep puddle. Grow up. Face the problem. Don’t make up excuses just because you are not strong enough to face the problem.
Today, I wrote it down. Let’s see how many months do I take to make the change.